Boomer’s stresses soothed

Boomer’s feeling stressed, what with Vale losing again and Uncle Norman’s eviction notice. Ally S has a plan…


A question Boomettes, why doesn’t the Port Vale Club Shop stock jars of aniseed balls, they are after all Boomer’s favourite treat.

Your mascot was pondering this question one day last week as he stood inside the Club Shop, wondering what goodies he might spend his pocket-money on. By a happy coincidence Ally S was in the shop at the same time and came over to say hello to Boomer. Ally expressed concern that your mascot was looking tired and strained and asked if everything was alright. Well Boomettes, who wouldn’t be feeling stressed out if they were on the wrong end of an eviction notice from Uncle Norman?!

Ally gave Boomer a hug and said although she couldn’t stop the eviction notice she did have a suggestion that might make Boomer feel better. She suggested that your mascot went to somewhere called a Health Spa and had something called a massage. Your Boomer didn’t know about these things but he likes to keep an open mind and of course he trusts his friend Ally S. I left Ally to make the arrangements.

And so it was Boomettes that a few days later I found myself strolling along Hanley’s Cultural Quarter on my way to my first ever spa experience. Thanks to Ally’s excellent directions I found the building straight-away, and although a little nervous I took a deep breath and walked in.

I was greeted by a very smiley person who introduced herself as Beryl the Beautician. She asked me to follow her upstairs and into one of the treatment rooms where my massage would take place. Closing the door behind us Beryl told me to try to relax and reassured me that there was nothing to be worried about. And then Boomettes, do you know what she did? She asked me to take my clothes off!! All of them!! Well Boomettes, your Boomer’s not that kind of mascot, and in any case, what kind of establishment is this?!

Beryl tried to reassure Boomer that the request was quite legitimate, but your mascot was not convinced. In the end, as a compromise, Boomer took off his top, but left his shorts, and his boots, on.

Boomer lay face down on a soft bench. Beryl explained that she would start by using a special comb on Boomer’s back to remove any dead skin cells and to unknot Boomer’s tangled fur. After doing this she squirted an oily substance onto her hands and rubbed it into your mascot’s fur. Beryl explained that this substance would nourish Boomer’s fur making it thick and shiny. Your mascot approves as he likes to look his best while he’s cheering on the lads who play in black and gold and white.

Then Boomettes, Beryl placed the pads of her thumbs near to Boomer’s shoulder blades and pressed down. Very Hard! Boomer yelped at the sudden, unexpected pain. Beryl explained the reason for the pain was because Boomer’s muscles were as hard as Tom Pope, whereas they should be soft and squishy, just like Uncle Norman’s tummy.

Beryl asked Boomer to try and relax, easier said than done Boomettes! Beryl continued to press down hard onto Boomer’s shoulders and upper back with her very strong thumbs and fingers and Boomer couldn’t help but whimper from time to time. But do you know what Boomettes? After a while the pain subsided and Boomer could feel his muscles soften and relax.

When Beryl had finished she turned the lights down to a very low level and left Boomer alone in the room for a few minutes. Your mascot felt like he was floating Boomettes, he was experiencing feelings of calmness and serenity.

Then it was time to leave and Boomer said goodbye to Beryl and thanked her for her attentions. Beryl replied that she was impressed with Boomer’s good behaviour and that should he ever become stressed again she’d be delighted to help. She even said, “Up the Vale!”. What a nice lady!

As Boomer began his walk back to Vale Park he felt he was walking an inch or two taller. And do you know what Boomettes? For the last hour he hadn’t had a single thought about his eviction situation. He had just relaxed and allowed all his concerns and worries to float gently away.

Stay loyal (and relaxed) Boomettes.

Boomer goes Banking

Uncle Norman helps Boomer keep his savings safe

Boomettes, what a fine start to the season, a 3-1 away win at Crawley. Excellent. Everyone at Vale Park is very cheerful, including Uncle Norman.

Now there may be some amongst you who think that Uncle Norman is a professional meanie, but Boomettes, that’s just not true. Underneath that brusque exterior lies consideration and compassion, and this week your mascot has been the beneficiary of those qualities.

You see Boomettes, when Uncle Norman served his eviction notice on Boomer he noticed that Boomer was keeping his life savings in a sweetie jar (the jar had previously contained Boomer’s favourite treat, aniseed balls). Uncle Norman advised Boomer that this was not a good idea, and that an unscrupulous character could sneak in and snaffle Boomer’s dosh. Obviously Boomettes Uncle Norman wasn’t thinking about Vale fans, but some of those away fans do look a bit shifty! Boomer asked what he should do, and Uncle Norman advised going to somewhere called a bank and opening something called a bank account.

And so it was Boomettes that one day this week your mascot found himself walking into Old Boslem Town with his life savings in his paws to open an account just as Uncle Norman had advised. I felt a little uneasy about carrying so much cash (nearly £40 Boomettes!) and so had Tom Pope walking alongside me as a doggy bodyguard. No one would dare rob Boomer with Popey around!

For security reasons doggy mascots aren’t allowed into the bank but fortunately just outside the front door there was a grassy area with a bench on it, and so this is where Boomer met Barbara the Banker. Barbara had brought lots of forms with her and filling them in looked very complicated, but with her help, Boomer had completed his application in just a few minutes.

Boomer was a little baffled though Boomettes. If he wasn’t allowed into the bank how could he pay his pocket-money in? And how would he be able to get his paws on his cash. Barbara explained that from now on Uncle Norman would pay Boomer’s pocket-money directly into his account, and if your mascot wanted to withdraw some of his money he could use something called a cashcard in something called a cash machine.

Barbara took Boomer to one of these cash machine devices that was half-buried into one of the bank’s outside walls. She gave him his very own cashcard (black and gold and white in colour of course Boomettes), showed him how to put it into the machine, showed him how to enter his security code, and then how to check his balance or to choose how much money to take out. What a clever machine Boomettes! Your mascot likes it a lot.

So Boomettes it’s been a really positive week, what with an away win for the Vale and newfound financial security for your mascot. Let’s hope the good times keep coming, surely they will?!

Stay loyal Boomettes.

Boomer’s Home-owning Dream

Boomer has a home-owning dream, but needs Uncle Norman’s help to fulfil it. Will Uncle Norman agree to help?

Boomettes, it’s been quite a week for your mascot. Let me tell you all about it.

As I explained in my previous Bulletin I had started the week all glum and despondent about being evicted from the Lorne Street Stand, but then a few days later had become all excited about taking my first steps on the property ladder.

I went kennel-hunting Boomettes and have to report that I was shocked at the cost of even a modest kennel. Even a one-dog kennel was tens of thousands of pounds, and your Boomer’s life savings only amount to £34.74. Your mascot was very glum. I sought advice from a house-builder who was kind enough to explain that there are three main costs to a new-build kennel: the building materials and labour; connecting everything up – water, electricity, roads etc; and land. Apparently, land is by far the most expensive component.

Boomettes, your mascot put his thinking cap on and analysed the situation, and a little while later he came up with an inspired idea. What if your mascot could find someone with a little spare land going unused on which Boomer could site his kennel. If Boomer only had to pay for the cost of the kennel it might just about be possible for Boomer to buy himself a home.

Boomettes, Uncle Norman owns Vale Park and there’s some land in front of the Family Stand going unused. This is where Boomer’s new home will be!

I was very excited about my brainwave Boomettes so I rushed off to share my idea with Uncle Norman straight-away. I was so excited, that when I got to his office I forgot to knock and just ran straight in. Once inside his office I found Uncle Norman in his favourite day-glo leotard, dancing enthusiastically away to his treasured CD of Mel and Kim’s greatest hits. I have to say Boomettes, Uncle Norman is a lovely mover! There he was throwing some shapes and shaking his booty like his little life depended on it!!

Taken aback by my unannounced entrance Uncle Norman began chuntering away about wishing that people would knock before coming in. Boomettes, your mascot didn’t have time to bandy words about social protocol. Your mascot took a deep breath and delivered his kennel location proposal to Uncle Norman.

Uncle Norman listened carefully to your mascot’s proposal, and then do you know what he did Boomettes? He rejected it! Your mascot asked why. Uncle Norman said that he had plans for that piece of land. Boomer asked what were the plans, but Uncle Norman was suspiciously evasive.

Boomettes, I didn’t want to fall out with Uncle Norman so I decided on a strategic withdrawal from his office. But Boomettes I have a plan, a vision, a mission and I will not rest until I have my kennel sited at the front of the family stand. I will concoct a campaign to convince Uncle Norman of my canine dream.

I will share the details of this campaign in my next doggy bulletin. Until then Boomettes, stay loyal,