Boomettes, you will recall from my previous bulletin how I was thwarted in my attempt to bury my bones beneath the centre-circle of Vale Park.
Now your mascot admits to getting very emotional when cheering on the lads who play in black and gold and white. But your mascot also prides himself on having a keen brain and being able to take a scientific look at life when circumstances require.
So Boomettes I logically analysed where my previous bone-burying escapade had come unstuck and arrived at the following conclusions:
One, Under the pitch at Vale Park is definitely the right place;
Two, It takes too long to reach the centre-circle, giving unfriendly forces too great an opportunity to scupper bone-burying plans;
Three, It takes too long to dig a hole by hand.
And thus Boomettes your mascot arrived at his revised plan. He would hire a ride-on mechanical digger to get the hole dug more quickly, and he would bury his bones beneath a corner-flag rather than the centre-circle, so as to reduce walking time and give himself a better chance of not being noticed.
And so a week after his first bone-burying attempt your Boomer slipped sneakily and stealthily into Vale Park on his hired mechanical digger device. It was seven o’clock in the morning – that’s very early isn’t it Boomettes – and Your Boomer has to admit he wasn’t exactly wide awake. If he had been, he’d have noticed Steve the Grumpy Groundsman mowing the far end of the pitch on his ride-on lawn mower.
Your Boomer positioned himself by the corner flag ready to begin to dig the hole that would hold his bone-stash. There were lots of levers on the digger and Your mascot got a little confused over which ones to push and which ones to pull. Boomer was so engrossed he hadn’t noticed Grumpy Steve hurtling towards him on his ride-on mower.
“YOU AGAIN” boomed Steve’s very grumpy voice. Your Boomer looked up to see the Grumpy Groundsman approaching at pace, on a course set for collision, holding a sharp looking fork above his head. He looked like he was hunting Moby Dick Boomettes!!
Just as impact seemed inevitable Uncle Norman appeared as if from nowhere on his blinged-up mobility scooter, forcing Grumpy Steve to swerve away from your mascot. Boomettes I headed for the exit as fast as my digger would carry me, with Grumpy Steve in pursuit of me, and Uncle Norman in pursuit of him. It was just like a car chase scene from one of the Bourne films!
I escaped unscathed Boomettes, but only just. One thing’s for sure, no more bone-burying attempts at Vale Park. Certainly not while Grumpy Steve’s about.
With much love, Boomer.